Why we get anxious…when things go well
1. When “Good” Is Unfamiliar, It Feels Unsafe
The human mind has not evolved to seek happiness, it seeks out danger instead.
If your early life or past relationships were unpredictable, chaotic, or emotionally inconsistent, your body learned to stay on alert. Good moments were followed by bad ones. Calm never stayed calm for long. In prehistoric times, we were prepared for the lion around the corner; the threat.
So, later in life, when things go well, a part of you quietly thinks:
“We’ve seen this before, we can’t let our guard down.”
This doesn’t mean you’re broken. It means your system is doing what it was trained to do.
👉 When Paul was in college, his mother died of cancer, his father and brother became alcoholics, and his sister fell into a deep depression due to a toxic marriage. By the time he was in his late 30’s, he was prepared for the worst at all times. When he met a wonderful woman, found financial success at a new job, and was starting to gain confidence in himself, he was ready to risk it all by sabotaging it. He “knew” the relationship would fall apart, his employer would be proven to be corrupt, and, as a result, his confidence started plunging.
Through our work together, he recognized this. He also found ways to express his anger and forgive himself for not doing more to save his mother. He still hit some bumps in his healing, but a huge weight was lifted when he recognized that control is an illusion, if not a delusion. Still, he could control his reactions, face difficulties without falling apart, or become an alcoholic like his father.
2. Success Activates Old Fears of Loss
When something matters, a new relationship, a job opportunity, a creative breakthrough, the stakes rise. You now have something to lose if things go awry. Psychologically, this is often harder than having nothing to lose at all. You’re more vulnerable and more invested. Any sense of joy or enthusiasm can feel risky.
Sometimes people say things like:
👉 Heartbreak is an example that’s as old as time. No one likes dealing with a broken heart, so instead of risking it, many people go the route of doing the deed before the other person has the chance. Much like Samuel, who simply couldn’t find love and had no hope in the video game he had created. Every time a man came into his life, he found every possible flaw, and when an unhealthy relationship would come along and the end seemed inevitable, he’d distance himself first, followed by running away from the person. The same applied to the video game. Just as sales were picking up, and the game was gaining traction, Samuel started feeling hopeless, and wanted to just let the project go after 5 years, before it proved itself to be unsuccesful.
Initially, in our work together, his emotional response would bounce between enthusiasm and optimism, then fear and doubt, and land in surrender. However over time in our 5 years working together, he was able to recognize the potential for change, the results of working at readjusting his expectations, and learning how to cope with times when he was let down.
This time, when he found a healthy relationship, started to appreciate his job more, and generally could accept that life is a series of wins and losses, all of which he could manage, he felt he was ready to remove the safety blanket of therapy, and continue life on his own terms and protected by his own strength.
The feelings of fear and doubt aren’t about the present, it’s the future pain your brain wants to pre-grieve “just in case.”
3. The Nervous System Has a Set Point
We all have an internal “familiar emotional climate”, a baseline level of tension, calm, or chaos your body expects.
If you grew up around chaos, you may unconsciously recreate it. If you’re used to constant productivity, rest feels wrong. If you’re used to disappointment, success feels suspicious.
When life rises above what your mind considers normal, your body may try to pull you back down with worry, overthinking, or self-sabotage.
This is not moral failure, it’s past experiences resulting in ongoing habits.
👉 Elise found herself at a wonderful stage of her life, but every time she came into a session, she was ready for the other shoe to drop. Her marriage was going well, she was preparing to leave the job she hates to go onto better things, but much Samuel, she was certain the good times would end soon enough. When an obstacle came along, she was prepared, but when things were good, she was anxious and on alert at all times. This made life nearly unbearable.
What Elise came to realize over time was that life could be good and she wouldn’t necessarily lose all that makes it good. It is a mindset she continues to practice, but at times struggles. It’s an ongoing learning experience, not something with a definitive ending.
4. Stability Can Surface Feelings You Avoided
Chaos requires constant attention. It keeps your mind busy.
But when things finally calm down, and you’re not fighting, scrambling, or overworking, old feelings rise up:
grief you didn’t have time to feel
fear you managed by staying busy
sadness from years ago
anger you swallowed
unmet needs that surface in quiet moments
People often tell me they feel “weirdly anxious” on good days. In reality, they’re feeling emotions that were previously drowned out by stress.
Calm isn’t empty.
It has echoes.
👉 I often hear that clients are “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, but this ends up being a self-fulfilling prophecy. Sometimes, life does become more difficult, or we lose the positive things in our lives, but waiting on it and pausing life in preparation is only harming you. Why waste the good times by counting down the moments for something bad to happen? By using those good times to their greatest potential, you can hold onto the positive and use it to help you overcome whatever challenges come along next.
5. Your Brain Tests New Safety
When something new enters your life, a healthier partner, better boundaries, a promising opportunity, the brain does what it always does: it tests for danger.
But this can look like:
disassociating
overthinking motives
scanning for flaws
trying to predict the future
doubting yourself
imagining worst-case scenarios
This isn’t resistance, it’s investigation. Rather than proactively preparing for whatever will happen, it instills fear and enforces the anxiety response.
Your mind is asking:
“Is this real? Is this safe? Should I trust it?”
When thinking this way, you train yourself to be skeptical and fearful at all times. Over time, with repetition, stability can become familiar. Your nervous system updates its expectations. But expect the transition to be rocky at times.
👉 Clark was down on his luck, he had quit his job as a bartender and decided it was time to find a traditional 9-5 job. He came across a government-funded humanitarian organization and discovered his passion for working in HR. Soon after, however, he was furloughed due to a government shutdown. He was partially prepared for this disappointment, but only a few weeks later, he was given a part-time job by the same organization, followed by returning to his prior full-time position.
All that he really got from all that negative thinking was self-doubt, concern for his future, and depression. Once he got his job back, he was singing a different tune, despite soon after that, fearing for his future, nonetheless. Despite being opposed to daily affirmations, he began trying them out. He would speak positively about himself and his future, and this alone gave him a much more positive outlook and a sense of purpose.
6. Unexpected Joy Triggers Identity Questions
It’s one thing to want something.
It’s another to finally have it.
When life improves, deeper identity questions emerge:
Who am I now that I’m not struggling?
What does it mean if things go well?
Do I deserve this?
What if I can’t maintain it?
These aren’t neurotic, they’re developmental.
Change, even positive change, asks you to grow into a new self-concept.
👉 This makes me think of George. Sure, he had plenty to worry about in life, it seemed like there was no way out of his bad situation, but at some point, he simply gave up. When asked about any attempts or updates, he just says there’s no point in making effort anymore, that nothing could possibly change. He would even get angry at those who suggested that he continue trying, that eventually, something might give. He refused, and nothing changed, nothing got better. This didn’t help him or his situation. Who knows what he could accomplish otherwise, but without his woes, he didn’t know who he was, it was scary. Even trying to make change seemed overwhelming. If nothing changes, nothing will change.
If you find yourself becoming anxious when life softens, you’re not alone. Often this reaction reveals something meaningful about your history, your long-term patterns, and what “safety” has meant to you. If exploring this feels useful, it’s the kind of slow, careful work I do with people in therapy.
